Very soon I’m going to be a mum of three. Three! But you know what, it actually doesn’t sound that scary to me, saying it out loud, as I always imagined I would have three children. That doesn’t mean I don’t have some worries though.
As we announced several weeks ago, we have taken the plunge and are due to have our third child in August, (insert the wide-eyed scared face emoji here!).
I’ll be honest, this wasn’t an easy decision for my husband and I to make (hence the blog I wrote earlier last year, To Three or Not to Three) but at the same time, when those two little lines came up on the little pink pee stick, I knew it was the right decision, I knew that our little family would soon be complete.
It was my husband that took a little more time to come round to the idea of having a third but I completely understand his reservations. Added household chaos was probably one of his biggest reasons for pulling the “concerned frown face look” when I first floated the subject. The fear of the household chaos intensifying and the thought of watching his beloved bubbly wife wither into a little newborn bubble of boobs, poo and crying mixed in with my own labido dying, tired crankiness. Yup, I totally got why he was scared to dive back into it all again, heck, the thought of all of that even scares the pants off me!
We are currently at the stage where life is just getting easy again. The girls play together, they don’t need nappies or baby food to take wherever we go, they get themselves into their own car seats and we have one child each to hold hands with when crossing a busy road. Our little family is lovely, it’s happy, it’s blissful and now newborn stress, sleep deprivation and the loss of one income is on the horizon again. I get his fear because I feel it too.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking this pregnancy for granted. I am simply writing down my thoughts, because that’s what a blogger does. We write down our thoughts and then we share them with the world (sort of weird when I think about it!) and I know I am so blessed to have two beautiful healthy, happy children. But everyone has their own worries and anxieties about the future. No matter who you are or what your life entails, we are all different and we all have different things we worry about which just makes us human.
So, when the time came to approach hubby about this void I had felt for quite some time, my yearning to grow another human being inside me, I knew he would have his concerns. I knew he would feel tense, I was prepared for it, but that didn’t stop the longing.
It was over a year ago that we discussed having a third child over dinner in Daylesford on our anniversary weekend away. Straight away he said he wasn’t keen on the idea and was happy with just the two girls, happy with the way our little family was, just the way it was. He said he felt we were so lucky already, he felt fulfilled, content, complete. I sat there nodding, agreeing with him, but in my heart, despite understanding his lacklustre to do it all again, I knew I wasn’t done. I knew this belly of mine had one more little person to carry.
I felt it the minute Penny was born 3.5 years ago. Despite her birth not being the fun, joyous, euphoric labor I had planned in my head during the 9 months I carried her and my recovery down below not exactly going to plan (let’s just say having to wee while pouring a bottle of water onto your hoo ha followed by drying your flaps with a hair dryer every time you had to pee for six weeks straight wasn’t exactly the post birth fun I had imagined!) and all this while struggling with a baby who didn’t feed properly for the first eight weeks because of lip tie resulting in me having mastitis four times in those eight weeks, despite all of this, I still knew in my heart of hearts that she wasn’t our last child.
Every time we had a family photo taken of the four of us, I felt it wasn’t complete, someone was missing. And so, our discussion about a third baby, didn’t go well that cold, drizzling, spring night in Daylesford, because we weren’t on the same page. And not being on the same page as the person you love is not a nice feeling. So we left the discussion meeting half way, we decided to give it a year of thought and see how we both felt after 12 months before going down the road of trying again. Perhaps the yearning would go away and a year would give me some time to change my mind? But it didn’t.
A year soon came around and so I brought it up again. And this time my husband, bless his wonderful sweet heart, said yes, he would do it for me, for us. He said if that was what my heart desired then he would never want to deprive me of anything that I wanted (what a guy).
Truth be known, I felt bad that he didn’t want it as much as I did but we both knew that if I was lucky enough to conceive again, that when we met our third child we would both have no regrets and would fall in love with him or her the second we met. That’s something we were both on the same page about.
So, we decided to give it a go and if it happened before Christmas it was meant to be and if it didn’t, then we would just let it be and leave our little family as it was, a family of four. I was happy with that plan and as luck would have it, in one shot, literally one bullseye (it took several months of trying every second day with each of the girls) we had ourselves a seed planted. We had ourselves a third baby on the way, proving to me that it was meant to be.
Of course, we both still have those initial fears about how we are going to cope with three children mainly because of the added busyness and even the future financial strain it may bring to our lives and I have no doubt that these fears are present because we are both worrying types, the types that like things clean, controlled and chaos free. But that’s just us. I have anxiety and my husband is a perfectionist which I know is a combination that doesn’t work that well when things go haywire and shit hits the fan.
But, we have chosen this parenting path together. We are a strong family unit that has been blessed with the miracle of two beautiful girls and a baby on the way. We both shared that little glimmer in our eyes when we sat and watched our first scan and we both touch my belly warmly to connect with the baby now that it is noticeably growing. The feeling is wonderful.
We know will make this work, with three, and we will love it, even during the harder times because our family will be complete. Besides, we already juggle two kids so surely a third can’t be that hard…can it? Helen, am I right???