A little kick in the side is usually the only reminder that I’ve got my third child on the way. Apart from the movement and my belly getting bigger, I feel like I have little time to think about bubs and what life is going to be like once he/she comes into the world, except to worry about the added chaos and lack of time I will have to dedicate to each of them individually.
I haven’t had much time to think or ponder much about the little person growing inside me and what gender they will be, what they will look like and whether they will have my curly hair or my husband’s beautiful blue eyes.
There’s so much to do with two children already and no time to do it in that daydreaming just isn’t part of the schedule. Drop offs, pick ups, getting out the door, getting the family fed, bathed dressed, read to, answering the girls funny little questions about why I’m wearing a little ‘nappy’ in my knickers now that I’m pregnant (cringe!), breaking up fights (lot’s of sister squabbles going on at the moment), dealing with over dramatic girls, injuries, illnesses, mess, groceries, housework… AGH!!
We ummed and arred over whether we should get pregnant with this little tacker for a long time and I must admit, as grateful and blessed as I am to be pregnant as I know I made the right decision 100% and I am the luckiest woman in the world… to be perfectly honest, I’m still shitting myself. Absolutely shitting bricks.
And when the two little angels we have now have days when they turn into little devils, I worry about how I will handle it all. Who am I going to become?? Will I be even grumpier than I am now?? Will I be too busy to even smile, to laugh, to have coffee with friends, to cuddle each child and read a book to them?? Will I have time to talk to each child about their problems, discuss the ways of the world with them? Will my house resemble a war zone? Will it be so messy that I’ll feel as though I am suffocating? Will I even be able to wash all their school clothes in time for Monday?
All of these things run through my mind as I feel that little beautiful kick in my belly. Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling him/her inside me, it truly is the most amazing thing in the world to be able to create a human being and I am so excited, of course, to meet him/her and to fall in love all over again.
When I was pregnant with Penny (number two) it was hard to imagine how I was going to find more love for the new baby when I had already given my whole heart to Annabelle (number one) but this time I don’t have that worry. I know, somehow, your heart manages to make room for more love for a new baby. Somehow it increases, grows and intensifies so much, it’s hard to believe there’s only one heart in there!
So, I know that’s not going to be an issue, finding that extra bit of love, but what I’m worried about is will I have the time to show them all just how much I love them. Will they know that I do, so so much, even if I don’t have the time to always show it and express it if I’m always running around trying to get things done, feeding the baby, changing it, burping it, tidying the house, cooking dinner, washing, running a household? Will they know how much I still them if I don’t have time to always kiss and cuddle them, lay down with them at night, talk Annabelle through her anxieties, help her with her reading, admire her drawings at length or do a puzzle with Penny, singing songs to her or reading the entire “mother duck says, quack, quack, quack, quack” book front to back twice over?
My biggest problem is probably my anxiety when it comes to having things in order in my house. Unfortunately, as much as I try to put spending quality time with the kids first as I know that is the most important thing, I can’t seem to do that properly if the house is a mess. If it’s tidy, the washing is away, dinners for the week are planned, the bench is cleared and my bed is made, I promise I am honestly the best mum in the world. I am calm, patient, attentive, happy. I am able to give them what they need, show them that I give a shit about them and not just the chores.
It’s not nice to admit my mood reflects the tidiness of my home and I’m trying to let that go a little but the fact is, I am who I am. I know my anxiety is heightened by mess and disorder so I work hard to get things in order as best I can with a part time job, a blog, two children, FOMO, catch ups etc. I juggle it all as best as I can but when things get messy, like literally messy, I know I’m not the greatest mum or the greatest friend or the greatest wife or the greatest person. I’m scattered, I’m difficult, I’m cranky.
So, what I’m anticipating, when number three is born, things may get out of hand. I’m guessing I may not have time to sort all the washing, make the beds, tidy the kids bedroom floors, make amazing dinners, get everything in order so that I can have more relaxation, calm time with the older two. Will I even have time to waste an hour just staring at my third baby like I did with the other two?
I’m in awe of those mums with more than two children, those amazing mamas who seem to have the balance between the things you have to do and the things you want to do, just right. How do you do it? How do you juggle it all? Is the jump from two to three going to smack in the face like a sandpaper covered baseball bat rendering me cowered into the corner of the room on the floor, hugging my knees and rocking back and fourth?
Or will I be ok? Will I trudge on like a warrior, getting as much done as I can, spreading my love around all three children like Wonder Woman? I guess we will find out late August… stay tuned…
Awwwww, I just felt another massive kick in my belly!